Ok, I'm trying another new poetic form. This one was invented by Luke Prater from http://lukepraterswordsalad.wordpress.com/2010/12/14/breathe/ The form is called an Octain, and is 8 lines with iambac tetrameter (that's 8 syllables, four units of unstressed, stressed) or trochaic tetrameter (that's 8 syllables, four units of stressed, unstressed per line) and the rhyme scheme is rather intricate:
A
B
B
A
C/C (an internal rhyme)
A
B
C
I used the iambic tetrameter, but..er...with a little lattitude. If you read both, you will notice they are exatly the same except for the placement of two words in the final line. Note what a big change in meaning that little change in typing makes.
#1
Oh, won’t you come away with me?
Just take my hand and squeeze it tight
We’ll jump a train; we'll ride all night
Your life is locked – I have the key
The paradox is fortune knocks
At times when we are least ready
But in your heart you know it’s right
Oh, won’t you come away with me?
#2
Oh, won’t you come away with me
Just take my hand and squeeze it tight
We’ll jump a train; we'll ride all night
Your life is locked – I have the key
The paradox is fortune knocks
At times when we are least ready
But in your heart you know I’m right
Oh, you won’t come away with me.
Just a final observation: When writing in any very structured format, I feel less in control of what comes out of my pen (or keyboard). Sometimes the poem I end up with surprises me, which can be fun! Thank you Luke.
Also linked to One Stop Poetry just click the title.
Nice one Mary! Hey I made sure, when devising the Octain, that people who weren’t confident/interested in writing in iambs or trochees could just make sure there were 8 syllables per line. That’s what the majority of those who have written them did (yours is number sixteen, I believe). Forget the iambic meter if it’s too difficult and feels like it’s restricting your expression/feels like having a straightjacket on and having a negative impact on the quality of the poetry.
ReplyDeleteHey I see you've repeated but made minor - but in meaning, major - changes... I do believe you've beat me to it and written the first ever 'High Octain'! Way to go! Though It would still qualify as a High Octain if only the refrain line was the same and the other were all diferent (but had the same end-rhyme). I hope you don't mind if I store this for posterity/records with all the other first Octains (16 all up now) on my hard-drive?
Thanks so much for trying the form.
Luke x
love your talent, well done.
ReplyDeleteSmiles!
Luke - thanks! Of course I don't mind if you store my poem. Will you post all of them together at some point? It would be interesting to see what everyone came up with.
ReplyDeleteJingle - thank you! I'll will check out Potluck, and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you!
Yes I may well do, actually. Good idea, I hadn't thought of that.
ReplyDeletePlease let me know if you do. Cheers Luke
ReplyDeleteHello, How are you?
ReplyDeleteSeason’s Greetings!
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Your talent oozes on the page Mary !! Well done !
ReplyDeletebeautiful octain mary - and i know exactly what you mean by feeling less in control of what comes out of the pen...i sometimes just wonder what i've written when i do form poetry... great flow to your octain
ReplyDeleteJL - Thank you, I appreciate your comment.
ReplyDeleteClaudia - Thanks so much. Yes, that surprise is one of the best parts of writing for me. I really enjoyed your's too.
I like both versions of this poem. The concluding couplets are so gently insistent, but my favourite part of the piece is the paradox - so simple and so true.
ReplyDeleteThank you Kerry. It really is true, isn't it.
ReplyDeleteWow. This reads like a song. So Luke calls it a high Octain, but clearly the music pours out of it. Well done you! Gay
ReplyDeleteGay - Thank you for you kind words. Appreciate the visit!
ReplyDeleteFantastic. I love the comparison/contrasting meanings in the two stanzas. Brilliant!
ReplyDelete"The paradox is fortune knocks"
ReplyDeleteGreat internal rhyme here. Dig the "song" feel that others already commented on. Yay! :D
I agree with you, Mary. Forms often produce surprising and amazing results. It makes you feel like there is a muse guiding your pen.
ReplyDeleteVictoria
Thats the power of form for me it surprises the imagination
ReplyDeleteMatt - hey, thanks, the internal rhyme thing was new to me (to write) with this form. It's fun to find a slightly less common word for the rhymes too.
ReplyDeleteVictoria and John - agreed, it does make it seem as if there are other things in play beyond my little brain.
yep still a winner!
ReplyDeleteI read this last week and commented but many of my posts had trouble going up..some error in the system. I liked this very well at the time. Luke did post them together on FB and yours and mine are there. Well written and this is not as easy as it looks.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gay
Luke - thanks teach, or bro, or whatever you are :o)
ReplyDeleteGay - Thanks for the comment, and for bothering to stop back. I appreciate it, and I'll check yours out too!
And again... that subtle change in the second.. though perhaps you might like to try experimenting with making the second more different? iambs are off in just one or two places ('ready' at end of line 6, for eg). Fine piece though and you know what -- you were the first to ever do the High Octain.. congrats! And here it is
ReplyDeleteLoves ya Mary x
Luke - Woo Hoo! I may play with it a bit, but I need to read some other ppls, and I'm wrestling with a great big rambling beast of a poem right now on fepc...and so far I'm losing! lol (you reallly are a good teacher ya know)
ReplyDeleteLoves ya too Luke :D
nice..yeah those two words change much and you played well with in the form...
ReplyDeleteBrian - Thanks for reading! Appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteI just discovered the Octain and I think you have used the form very effectively. Enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. The reversed words in your last line do add a whole new meaning. I think your strict rhyme leaves a wrong stress on the last syllable of "ready" - to rhyme with "key"??
ReplyDelete