Her Version
We once were an audacious pair;
Attracted opposites combined
with hands (and often legs) entwined.
And then one day your manly air
became grating, nauseating.
You went from dreamboat to nightmare
Instead of sexy: unrefined.
Instead of sexy: unrefined.
We once were an audacious pair.
.jpg)
His Version
We once were an audacious pair;
Attracted opposites combined
with hands (and often legs) entwined.
And then one day your sultry air
became grating, nauseating.
You went from dream-girl to nightmare
Instead of sexy: unrefined.
Instead of sexy: unrefined.
You once had an audacious pair.
Image by hercampus.com
These are Octains, a form created by Luke Prater. It consists of eight lines as two tercets and a
couplet, eight syllables per line with the first line repeated (as much as
possible) as the last. Meter is iambic or trochaic tetrameter, but fine to just have eight syllables per line. It is linked to the Open Link night at dVerse where you can read the work of many talented poets, or submit something yourself!
I love the two versions. When I read the first one, I felt a sense of loss and sadness, which I felt in the second, too, until the last line, lol. I also enjoyed your use of form. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThank you Lori. The first one was a serious one, but then that last line came to me...and I had to put in the humorous one as well (and of course I had to change to a male narrator there)!
DeleteSad but somehow amusing the way it's been told by both sides. Very artfully done :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Daydreamertoo - sad and funny...like life I guess.
Deletehaha on the last line of his...smile...i am wonderinf a bit about what ir he is breaking too...smiles...fun use of form mary..
ReplyDeleteThanks Brian. Thank you for hosting the open link night. You seem to be tireless!
DeleteThere is always two sides to every story :) Nice capture, Mary.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ayala, and just a little humor so we don't take ourselves tooo seriously!
DeleteEvery parting vouple have their own versons... Love how u did this...
ReplyDeleteJJRod'z
I ROFled rather severely at the last line--nice way to make the form be the straight man--loved it.
ReplyDelete:o) Thanks, glad to hear I got you rolling. Just one little word change can make such a difference!
DeleteIt isn't the first time I've seen the form, but it grown on you - and especially the amusing way you've used it here.
ReplyDeleteThanks Semaphore, I appreciate that. :o)
DeleteI like that you gave both perspective with equal feelings. Well done.
ReplyDeletehttp://leah-jamielynn.typepad.com my poem is over there.
Thank you QP&LP!
DeleteInteresting experiment! I like the - almost - mirror image. Must try this form some time.
ReplyDeleteThanks Rosemary; yes you really should try it. I came up with the middle line rhyme first and made the rest of the poem around that. Once you get that it's not so hard.
Deletei agree, i like how Rosemary calls this mirror image, didn't think of that, but as soon as I read this, i knew this is the image i got when i read ur poem. :)
DeleteGreat miniature drama here, well done.
ReplyDeleteThank you Buddah!
DeleteClever, Mary. One of my favorite formats, especially when done well. And you've done these very well!! Still chuckle on that last line. Yup, that's all some men think about!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Ginny! :o)
DeleteAh, that's such a guy thing. Well told, Mary.
ReplyDeletehe - Thanks Patti!
Deleteha! the last line of his is quite funny.
ReplyDeleteThanks Evelyn!
DeleteWhen there is a break-up, most often both parties have their reasons. Your poem expressed this very well.
ReplyDeleteAnd so often the little quirks or traits you liked so much at first become an irritant. Thanks Mary.
Deleteto me, one of the best things you can do in literature is combine levity and sadness, and I think you have achieved that here
ReplyDeleteThank you very much Elliot.
ReplyDelete