Tuesday, May 22, 2012

His and Hers: Falling Out of Love


Her Version

We once were an audacious pair;
Attracted opposites combined
with hands (and often legs) entwined.

And then one day your manly air
became grating, nauseating.

You went from dreamboat to nightmare
Instead of sexy:  unrefined.
We once were an audacious pair.



His Version

We once were an audacious pair;
Attracted opposites combined
with hands (and often legs) entwined.

And then one day your sultry air
became grating, nauseating.

You went from dream-girl to nightmare
Instead of sexy:  unrefined.
You once had an audacious pair.

Image by hercampus.com

These are  Octains, a form created by Luke Prater.  It consists of eight lines as two tercets and a couplet, eight syllables per line with the first line repeated (as much as possible) as the last. Meter is iambic or trochaic tetrameter, but fine to just have eight syllables per line.  It is linked to the Open Link night at dVerse where you can read the work of many talented poets, or submit something yourself!



31 comments:

  1. I love the two versions. When I read the first one, I felt a sense of loss and sadness, which I felt in the second, too, until the last line, lol. I also enjoyed your use of form. Well done!

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    1. Thank you Lori. The first one was a serious one, but then that last line came to me...and I had to put in the humorous one as well (and of course I had to change to a male narrator there)!

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  2. Sad but somehow amusing the way it's been told by both sides. Very artfully done :)

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    1. Thank you Daydreamertoo - sad and funny...like life I guess.

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  3. haha on the last line of his...smile...i am wonderinf a bit about what ir he is breaking too...smiles...fun use of form mary..

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    1. Thanks Brian. Thank you for hosting the open link night. You seem to be tireless!

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  4. There is always two sides to every story :) Nice capture, Mary.

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    1. Thanks Ayala, and just a little humor so we don't take ourselves tooo seriously!

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  5. Every parting vouple have their own versons... Love how u did this...

    JJRod'z

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  6. I ROFled rather severely at the last line--nice way to make the form be the straight man--loved it.

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    1. :o) Thanks, glad to hear I got you rolling. Just one little word change can make such a difference!

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  7. It isn't the first time I've seen the form, but it grown on you - and especially the amusing way you've used it here.

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    1. Thanks Semaphore, I appreciate that. :o)

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  8. I like that you gave both perspective with equal feelings. Well done.
    http://leah-jamielynn.typepad.com my poem is over there.

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  9. Interesting experiment! I like the - almost - mirror image. Must try this form some time.

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    1. Thanks Rosemary; yes you really should try it. I came up with the middle line rhyme first and made the rest of the poem around that. Once you get that it's not so hard.

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    2. i agree, i like how Rosemary calls this mirror image, didn't think of that, but as soon as I read this, i knew this is the image i got when i read ur poem. :)

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  10. Great miniature drama here, well done.

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  11. Clever, Mary. One of my favorite formats, especially when done well. And you've done these very well!! Still chuckle on that last line. Yup, that's all some men think about!!

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  12. Ah, that's such a guy thing. Well told, Mary.

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  13. ha! the last line of his is quite funny.

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  14. When there is a break-up, most often both parties have their reasons. Your poem expressed this very well.

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    1. And so often the little quirks or traits you liked so much at first become an irritant. Thanks Mary.

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  15. to me, one of the best things you can do in literature is combine levity and sadness, and I think you have achieved that here

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