Friday, March 20, 2015

Phases of the Moon

Under the full moon
come join the party.
Dancing, singing, glittering
laugh and toast the company

But as the moon wanes
shed the mask,
leave the fete,
run
into new-moon dark


This is for Victoria's prompt at dVerse to use an active voice with more verbs and fewer flowery descriptions.  As she suggested, I went back to a piece I wrote earlier (2010) and pared it down.  A lot.  I will post it below, but honestly it's a bit embarrassing, so feel free to skip it (please!).

So here's that old version:

I  have been out with the full moon,
Out among the revelers:
We dance and sing-
Cavorting beasties
On a microscope slide,
Bright and shining;

The sounds of clinking glasses,
And Laughter –
Silly, flirtatious and hearty-
Fill my head with ‘other’
It is great fun.

But now, as the moon wanes
And empties itself of light,
I too, shed the lights of society.
Donned to impress, attract,

The glittering mask,
Of my social self,
Is left at the door
To the party.

I run into new-moon dark,
No longer held by the
Bright silver circle of society
But free to explore the vast heavens,
I delve deep
Into the spaces between
The stars

The moon does not diminish,
When no longer circumscribed
By sun’s reflected light.
Matter mingles with spirit,
Flows out
Into the night-
And so do I.

21 comments:

  1. nice - it's all so tight - I thought maybe "But as the moon wanes" might become "But in the waning moon" -- still I caught the idea of a festival with an almost cinderella like escape :)

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    1. I'm glad you got Cinderella! Thanks.

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  2. Oh I love the tightness that you have created.. and just those wonderful verbs giving an essence to your the feeling.

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    1. Thank you Bjorn. This one certainly needed pruning.

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  3. Love this, your words also, flow out into the night, and linger with the new-moon! Beautiful!

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  4. I like the revised version, tighter and that last stanza is well done ~ Good to see you Mary ~

    Grace

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  5. I love the fairy tale feeling of this.

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  6. Compact and still tells an active story. Nice flow :)

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  7. Sure created a really tight version indeed. Good to run with it.

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  8. Love the feeling you captured here. I liked both poems.

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  9. wow - you pruned that quite a bit...and hey... i'm all up for a little dancing under the full moon... and the close reminded me of cinderella as well... nice mystery in this..

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  10. Can I suggest:

    Under the full moon
    come join the party.
    Dance, sing, glitter
    laugh and toast the company

    But as the moon wanes
    shed the mask,
    leave the fete,
    run
    into new-moon dark



    Up to you....but....

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    1. Yes, I went back and forth with that, and I think you're right without the "-ing" endings. Thanks Mary.

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  11. I like your first gem



    ALOHA from Honolulu
    ComfortSpiral
    =^..^=

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  12. Beautiful and tranquil..................happy world poetry day 21st March!!!

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  13. being a moon junkie... :) i really like both phases of your moon verse.
    but i really like the more wordy second one..."Cavorting beasties On a microscope slide"..."delve deep Into the spaces between The stars"..."shed the mask, leave the fete, run into new-moon dark"

    very nice...

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  14. The edited version creates a greater sense of immediacy for me, Mary. Enjoyed much.

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  15. It is nice, but somehow I think I like the older version more - Victoria's plot is nice but tricky too -

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  16. This was weird: I didn't get the notice of your second reply on WordPress... I just now checked, out of curiosity, my own comments on my dashboard and that's where I got the link. And I'm happy I did :-)
    As a night lover I truly connected here, I just think there are too many dark=evil statements, not enough night=fun ones. So firstly – thanks for writing this. Then thanks for the link :-)

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  17. Thank you all for your comments. I think enough of you have said you like the first version that I will try to go back and revise again, but not cut out quite so much. Sometimes when one gets so close to a piece it's hard to know.

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