This is one of those poems that isn't finished yet. If it wasn't for the Potluck I would probably just let this one sit on the desk for awhile. I can't decide if I want to go with the strong meter at the start, or go blank, ditto with the rhyme. I haven't even settled on a title yet! So, if anyone has (gentle) suggestions please let me know. Thanks!
The Fortress
We are builders,
All
Who struggle every day
Stacking stones around ourselves
The fortress must hold strong
Whether to protect our overflowing treasure
Or hide the barren rooms, once full
We must guard against those
Who dare come too near
The risk is so great
The cost so dear
So you will understand
Why I can not
Let you
In
The Fortress
We are builders,
All
Who struggle every day
Stacking stones around ourselves
The fortress must hold strong
Whether to protect our overflowing treasure
Or hide the barren rooms, once full
We must guard against those
Who dare come too near
The risk is so great
The cost so dear
So you will understand
Why I can not
Let you
In
I relate to this one...powerful.
ReplyDeletelovely and powerful..
ReplyDeleteNice piece, Mary.
ReplyDeleteThe only suggestion I can make is purely esthetic: You could rearrange it so the start mirrors the end (both single words), with the middle being the longest line. Kinda like a sideways bell curve.
A well-crafted piece. Of course, to even the best-guarded fortress, sooner or later a wrecker must come... :) - I'd love to see you expand on this, if you have it in mind to do so (it's fine as it is too). Re your question: I almost always prefer free verse - rhyme especially so often seems forced, and that to me detracts mightily from the impact of a poem.
ReplyDeleteyou did well...
ReplyDeleteentries not necessarily related to the theme.
your poem fits well.
beautiful job.
Here is one of my entries, an award is attached, thanks for the support.
ReplyDeletehttp://thursdaypoetsrallypoetry.wordpress.com/2010/11/08/my-sister-lives-too-far-away/
vivid imagery.
beautiful job!
Thank you all. Eric, I will try the line arrgement you suggested. I originally wrote this as a word doc. and had it justified center, which gave it a pleasing look, but I don't know how to do that on the blog O_o
ReplyDeleteFine job...there's a message in here for everyone. As for "gentle" suggestions...I would play with more metaphors especially those of building materials: sand, stone, cement, concrete, bricks etc. and what they represent personally...the insecurities we all share, the ramifications of choices. What do we lose when we build a fortress and don't let people in? Lots of ways to go here...Love?? Perhaps end on a positive note with optimism. That's the magic of writing. I'm sure if you started this piece all over again you would have a surprisingly different result and both would be equally wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much! :o)
ReplyDeleteGiovanni, thanks for your suggestions, I will try doing something along those lines. I feel like this may end up being two different poems, when expand and expound. Maybe if you check in again you'll see them!
Dear Mary Bach
ReplyDeleteIts perfect.. your words 'Stacking stones around ourselves' took me to a different plain altogether..
The ending was so beautiful.. thanks for sharing...
Your name reminded me of Richard Bach. Are you related!!! I love his book like 'One' and 'Illusion' and have had featured his book on my blog... http://shadowdancingwithmind.blogspot.com/2010/05/reader.html
ॐ नमः शिवाय
Om Namah Shivaya
Twitter: @VerseEveryDay
Blog: http://shadowdancingwithmind.blogspot.com
Oh how true is this. I think it is the cry of many. I don't want to be like that. I don't want past hurts to prevent me letting love in and out.
ReplyDeleteThis piece spoke to me. :)
well written poem..powerful
ReplyDeleteSo true, and so painful to behold. How we isolate ourselves in the name of our own protection--there must be a balance; we cannot remove ourselves so utterly from the world. Something here that everyone could learn from--I think you should build on the images begun here, expand the poem a bit. Like the poem here, but I think the end result would be delightful. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteMary, there is a button for aligning text (it resembles the one in Word, so you should be able to identify it easily), but it can be a bit tempermental.
ReplyDeleteI find it works best to first click on the button (so the drop-down stays open), highlight the text you're aligning, THEN click on the alignment choice you want.
(If you try to choose your alignment first it will close when you highlight the text - but you can choose your alignment BEFORE you enter the text)
Hope this helps!
Those last 5 lines are tremendous.
ReplyDeleteEric, got it.
ReplyDeleteThank you all, I apprecite the feedback.
Excellent. Loved it :O)
ReplyDeleteI think "Safe" is a great title for this piece. Those who build and keep the fortress safe...I loved the imagery very much.
ReplyDeleteThank you Madeleine and Talon :o)
ReplyDeleteVery well written Mary..
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling very close- I so am just like how you have written here.. excepting that you have done it beautifully.. :)
I wouldn't want it change in any other way- this is fabulous.. Love xxx
Thank you so much Olivia!
ReplyDelete