Friday, January 10, 2014

Morning Chores

I feel a little unfinished with my posts today, but here goes.  I have two versions of a poem, one for dVerse I in the Looking back/forward I chose the previous 'hearth, home and common speech' prompt.  The other, shorter version is for my very favorite G-man and his FF55.  I think they need a little settling and tweaking, but here's what I have so far:
(I appreciate your feedback and/or suggestions, including which version you prefer.)

#1
I enter the barn.
Smells of hay and horse,
warm and sweet,
fill me.

Barn cats wind around my legs
in timeless figure-eights,
purring their thanks.

Horses whicker
low, intimate, impatient.
Water, grain, hay;
most are gracious,
a few greedy,
as I go down the aisle.

Then I pause and live
for a moment
in this contentment.



#2
Today is bone cold;
wind snatches my breath
as I walk to the barn.
Inside, smells of hay and horse,
warm and sweet,
like summer pressed
between the pages
of a book,
fill me.

Barn cats wind around my legs
in timeless figure-eights,
purring their thanks
for the breakfast
I will provide.

The horses whicker
a low, intimate greeting,
impatient for their breakfast.
Water first,
then the grain, then hay.
Most are gracious,
but a few are greedy,
as I go down the aisle
murmuring good mornings
 and doling out sweet feed,
along with a scratch or a pat.

There are more chores
to be done,
but I pause and think
that I could live forever
in this contentment
that fills this
space.



46 comments:

  1. Thanks for these beautifully written insights into your life and home, Mary. I slightly prefer the second because the greater space has given you the opportunity to include more details.

    ReplyDelete
  2. gotta love it when you find such contentment...love the focus on details....you suggest you are still tweaking them...here is a thought to grab us from the beginning...

    in the barn.
    hay and horse,
    warm and sweet,
    smells fill me. (the change is small, but i get rid of the I, because you already have me...and let us enter the experience first before we get to you)

    Barn cats in timeless figure-eights,
    purring their thanks, round my legs

    (again just some minor adjustments, still your words) Sorry if i overstep, had a moment and thought i would play...i think you accomplish as mush with it tighter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey thanks Brian! You certainly didn't overstep. When I finish doing comments, etc. I'll do some fiddling with thiese, and your suggestions.

      Delete
    2. And any other suggestions I get.

      Delete
  3. beautiful.. i love horses and i can literally smell the scent of hay and barn, feel the cat's soft fur... a wonderful capture

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's wonderful smell Claudia. Glad it worked.

      Delete
  4. Oh it's hard to choose between 2 very good poems, but if pressed I would say the first one... it is tighter and gets you from the sweet smells to the moment of contentment in a more direct line, but then the second version offers us more detail, a deeper picture to imagine...like I said it is difficult to choose.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Actually, I think I prefer the shorter version. Seems all that needs to be said is said within the constraints of those 55 words. Being a farm girl, I know the contentment of being in a barn with animals, the sound of cattle eating hay is very soothing, and I'm sure the same can be said for horses. I love the stanza about the cats. Pefect. Only thing...horses nicker, no? Love it!.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Yvonne. And I think horses make both those sounds...or maybe it was just us talking baby talk to them? Anyway, thanks for your comment.

      Delete
  6. Cats around your leg, don't trip haha

    ReplyDelete
  7. to live forever in contentment, oh bliss and such a great feeling.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Very atmospheric - I love the intimacy of the first and for me, it feels a more complete and 'finished' piece.

    Then I pause and live

    for a moment

    in this contentment. < Yes!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Very nice! I enjoyed both versions--I prefer the first overall, but I hate to lose the first two lines of the second version. (I won't tell if you break the 55-word limit and add these lines to version one.) Excellent work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha - thanks Nico. I will probably end up with some hybrid of the two here along with some of Brian's suggestions. I'll keep you comment about the first two lines in mind too. I appreciate the input.

      Delete
  10. Hi Mary.... I like both versions too, but as Nico said, I too prefer the shorter '55' version, as I think you kept the most necessary details. However, I did enjoy all of the atmosphere in the second poem, which really made me feel right there with you. You are so lucky to live among horses!

    ReplyDelete
  11. There's no beating contentment. Lovely words.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I lean toward the first version.. I love the cat stanza with the figure 8 really said a lot

    ReplyDelete
  13. Nice you take time for that pause. Beautiful imagery here.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I like both - but somehow the first version is creating more impact for me.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Mary Bach....
    I gotta tell you that BOTH versions are pristine!
    Jeez you are amazing .
    Don't ever think that I don't appreciate you
    and your beautiful creativity
    Loved your Farm Belt 55
    Thanks for your wonderful support
    Have a Kick Ass Week End

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Galen. Enjoy your weekend too. :o)

      Delete
  16. Love your words and the first is the one for me - perfect.
    Anna :o]

    ReplyDelete
  17. well done glimpses to your life. nice


    ALOHA from Honolulu
    Comfort Spiral
    > < } } ( ° >


    ReplyDelete
  18. Ahh. Lovely, this glimpse of your barn. I prefer the first for its spareness, the same feeling of contentment and ease in both, but nothing extraneous, the scene just is, and it contents me, too.
    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I very much enjoyed you descriptions of horses.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Both wonderful visuals. I especially liked the first one.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thank you for a glimpse into your world. I knew you had cats and at least one dog, Otis, but am somewhat unaware of the rest of your menagerie! This is lovely. I can smell the hay, hear the horses breathing, feel the cats rubbing your legs. I can see where your contentment and peace lie! Lovely. BTW, rather like the longer version, myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome Ginny, though I don't have horses any longer. I'm sorry to say this is from a previous life. And thanks for your input.

      Delete
  22. I enjoy that invitation to join your "corner" of the world. I really enjoyed both poems. Many thanks.

    Greetings from London.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Wow. Based on your post, it sounds like a busy day at the barn. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I like the second one best; it reads more poetically, to me. One quibble, since you've asked: you use the word "this" twice in a very short space near the end. Perhaps it would read better as "I could live forever in the contentment that fills this space", substituting "the" for one of the "this"s.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Shay, I've changed it now. :o)

      Delete
  25. I was sucked right into the first poem - I was there (actually often am). I liked the shorter version!

    ReplyDelete