(I appreciate your feedback and/or suggestions, including which version you prefer.)
#1
I enter the barn.
Smells of hay and horse,
warm and sweet,
fill me.
Barn cats wind around my legs
in timeless figure-eights,
purring their thanks.
Horses whicker
low, intimate, impatient.
Water, grain, hay;
most are gracious,
a few greedy,
as I go down the aisle.
Then I pause and live
for a moment
in this contentment.
Today is bone cold;
wind snatches my breath
as I walk to the barn.
Inside, smells of hay and horse,
warm and sweet,
like summer pressed
between the pages
of a book,
fill me.
Barn cats wind around my legs
in timeless figure-eights,
purring their thanks
for the breakfast
I will provide.
The horses whicker
a low, intimate greeting,
impatient for their breakfast.
Water first,
then the grain, then hay.
Most are gracious,
but a few are greedy,
as I go down the aisle
murmuring good mornings
and doling
out sweet feed,
along with a scratch or a pat.
There are more chores
to be done,
but I pause and think
that I could live forever
in this contentment
that fills this
space.
Thanks for these beautifully written insights into your life and home, Mary. I slightly prefer the second because the greater space has given you the opportunity to include more details.
ReplyDeletegotta love it when you find such contentment...love the focus on details....you suggest you are still tweaking them...here is a thought to grab us from the beginning...
ReplyDeletein the barn.
hay and horse,
warm and sweet,
smells fill me. (the change is small, but i get rid of the I, because you already have me...and let us enter the experience first before we get to you)
Barn cats in timeless figure-eights,
purring their thanks, round my legs
(again just some minor adjustments, still your words) Sorry if i overstep, had a moment and thought i would play...i think you accomplish as mush with it tighter.
Hey thanks Brian! You certainly didn't overstep. When I finish doing comments, etc. I'll do some fiddling with thiese, and your suggestions.
DeleteAnd any other suggestions I get.
Deletebeautiful.. i love horses and i can literally smell the scent of hay and barn, feel the cat's soft fur... a wonderful capture
ReplyDeleteIt's wonderful smell Claudia. Glad it worked.
DeleteOh it's hard to choose between 2 very good poems, but if pressed I would say the first one... it is tighter and gets you from the sweet smells to the moment of contentment in a more direct line, but then the second version offers us more detail, a deeper picture to imagine...like I said it is difficult to choose.
ReplyDeleteThank you much Ron.
DeleteActually, I think I prefer the shorter version. Seems all that needs to be said is said within the constraints of those 55 words. Being a farm girl, I know the contentment of being in a barn with animals, the sound of cattle eating hay is very soothing, and I'm sure the same can be said for horses. I love the stanza about the cats. Pefect. Only thing...horses nicker, no? Love it!.
ReplyDeleteThanks Yvonne. And I think horses make both those sounds...or maybe it was just us talking baby talk to them? Anyway, thanks for your comment.
DeleteCats around your leg, don't trip haha
ReplyDeleteto live forever in contentment, oh bliss and such a great feeling.
ReplyDeleteYes, thanks Alan.
DeleteVery atmospheric - I love the intimacy of the first and for me, it feels a more complete and 'finished' piece.
ReplyDeleteThen I pause and live
for a moment
in this contentment. < Yes!
Thanks Becky. :o)
DeleteVery nice! I enjoyed both versions--I prefer the first overall, but I hate to lose the first two lines of the second version. (I won't tell if you break the 55-word limit and add these lines to version one.) Excellent work.
ReplyDeleteHaha - thanks Nico. I will probably end up with some hybrid of the two here along with some of Brian's suggestions. I'll keep you comment about the first two lines in mind too. I appreciate the input.
DeleteHi Mary.... I like both versions too, but as Nico said, I too prefer the shorter '55' version, as I think you kept the most necessary details. However, I did enjoy all of the atmosphere in the second poem, which really made me feel right there with you. You are so lucky to live among horses!
ReplyDeleteThere's no beating contentment. Lovely words.
ReplyDeleteI agree Anthony. Thanks.
DeleteI lean toward the first version.. I love the cat stanza with the figure 8 really said a lot
ReplyDeleteNice you take time for that pause. Beautiful imagery here.
ReplyDelete:o) Thanks Nara.
DeleteI like both - but somehow the first version is creating more impact for me.
ReplyDeleteThank you Abhra.
DeleteMary Bach....
ReplyDeleteI gotta tell you that BOTH versions are pristine!
Jeez you are amazing .
Don't ever think that I don't appreciate you
and your beautiful creativity
Loved your Farm Belt 55
Thanks for your wonderful support
Have a Kick Ass Week End
Thanks Galen. Enjoy your weekend too. :o)
DeleteLove your words and the first is the one for me - perfect.
ReplyDeleteAnna :o]
Thanks Anna. :o)
Deletewell done glimpses to your life. nice
ReplyDeleteALOHA from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral
> < } } ( ° >
Thanks Cloudia.
DeleteAhh. Lovely, this glimpse of your barn. I prefer the first for its spareness, the same feeling of contentment and ease in both, but nothing extraneous, the scene just is, and it contents me, too.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
Thank you ds.
DeleteI very much enjoyed you descriptions of horses.
ReplyDeleteBoth wonderful visuals. I especially liked the first one.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sandra.
DeleteThank you for a glimpse into your world. I knew you had cats and at least one dog, Otis, but am somewhat unaware of the rest of your menagerie! This is lovely. I can smell the hay, hear the horses breathing, feel the cats rubbing your legs. I can see where your contentment and peace lie! Lovely. BTW, rather like the longer version, myself.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome Ginny, though I don't have horses any longer. I'm sorry to say this is from a previous life. And thanks for your input.
DeleteAh, cats!
ReplyDelete:o)
DeleteI enjoy that invitation to join your "corner" of the world. I really enjoyed both poems. Many thanks.
ReplyDeleteGreetings from London.
Wow. Based on your post, it sounds like a busy day at the barn. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI like the second one best; it reads more poetically, to me. One quibble, since you've asked: you use the word "this" twice in a very short space near the end. Perhaps it would read better as "I could live forever in the contentment that fills this space", substituting "the" for one of the "this"s.
ReplyDeleteThanks Shay, I've changed it now. :o)
DeleteI was sucked right into the first poem - I was there (actually often am). I liked the shorter version!
ReplyDelete