Friday, January 10, 2014

Morning Chores

I feel a little unfinished with my posts today, but here goes.  I have two versions of a poem, one for dVerse I in the Looking back/forward I chose the previous 'hearth, home and common speech' prompt.  The other, shorter version is for my very favorite G-man and his FF55.  I think they need a little settling and tweaking, but here's what I have so far:
(I appreciate your feedback and/or suggestions, including which version you prefer.)

#1
I enter the barn.
Smells of hay and horse,
warm and sweet,
fill me.

Barn cats wind around my legs
in timeless figure-eights,
purring their thanks.

Horses whicker
low, intimate, impatient.
Water, grain, hay;
most are gracious,
a few greedy,
as I go down the aisle.

Then I pause and live
for a moment
in this contentment.



#2
Today is bone cold;
wind snatches my breath
as I walk to the barn.
Inside, smells of hay and horse,
warm and sweet,
like summer pressed
between the pages
of a book,
fill me.

Barn cats wind around my legs
in timeless figure-eights,
purring their thanks
for the breakfast
I will provide.

The horses whicker
a low, intimate greeting,
impatient for their breakfast.
Water first,
then the grain, then hay.
Most are gracious,
but a few are greedy,
as I go down the aisle
murmuring good mornings
 and doling out sweet feed,
along with a scratch or a pat.

There are more chores
to be done,
but I pause and think
that I could live forever
in this contentment
that fills this
space.



45 comments:

  1. Thanks for these beautifully written insights into your life and home, Mary. I slightly prefer the second because the greater space has given you the opportunity to include more details.

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  2. gotta love it when you find such contentment...love the focus on details....you suggest you are still tweaking them...here is a thought to grab us from the beginning...

    in the barn.
    hay and horse,
    warm and sweet,
    smells fill me. (the change is small, but i get rid of the I, because you already have me...and let us enter the experience first before we get to you)

    Barn cats in timeless figure-eights,
    purring their thanks, round my legs

    (again just some minor adjustments, still your words) Sorry if i overstep, had a moment and thought i would play...i think you accomplish as mush with it tighter.

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    1. Hey thanks Brian! You certainly didn't overstep. When I finish doing comments, etc. I'll do some fiddling with thiese, and your suggestions.

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    2. And any other suggestions I get.

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  3. beautiful.. i love horses and i can literally smell the scent of hay and barn, feel the cat's soft fur... a wonderful capture

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  4. Oh it's hard to choose between 2 very good poems, but if pressed I would say the first one... it is tighter and gets you from the sweet smells to the moment of contentment in a more direct line, but then the second version offers us more detail, a deeper picture to imagine...like I said it is difficult to choose.

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  5. Actually, I think I prefer the shorter version. Seems all that needs to be said is said within the constraints of those 55 words. Being a farm girl, I know the contentment of being in a barn with animals, the sound of cattle eating hay is very soothing, and I'm sure the same can be said for horses. I love the stanza about the cats. Pefect. Only thing...horses nicker, no? Love it!.

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    1. Thanks Yvonne. And I think horses make both those sounds...or maybe it was just us talking baby talk to them? Anyway, thanks for your comment.

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  6. Cats around your leg, don't trip haha

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  7. to live forever in contentment, oh bliss and such a great feeling.

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  8. Very atmospheric - I love the intimacy of the first and for me, it feels a more complete and 'finished' piece.

    Then I pause and live

    for a moment

    in this contentment. < Yes!

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  9. Very nice! I enjoyed both versions--I prefer the first overall, but I hate to lose the first two lines of the second version. (I won't tell if you break the 55-word limit and add these lines to version one.) Excellent work.

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    1. Haha - thanks Nico. I will probably end up with some hybrid of the two here along with some of Brian's suggestions. I'll keep you comment about the first two lines in mind too. I appreciate the input.

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  10. Hi Mary.... I like both versions too, but as Nico said, I too prefer the shorter '55' version, as I think you kept the most necessary details. However, I did enjoy all of the atmosphere in the second poem, which really made me feel right there with you. You are so lucky to live among horses!

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  11. There's no beating contentment. Lovely words.

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  12. I lean toward the first version.. I love the cat stanza with the figure 8 really said a lot

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  13. Nice you take time for that pause. Beautiful imagery here.

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  14. I like both - but somehow the first version is creating more impact for me.

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  15. Mary Bach....
    I gotta tell you that BOTH versions are pristine!
    Jeez you are amazing .
    Don't ever think that I don't appreciate you
    and your beautiful creativity
    Loved your Farm Belt 55
    Thanks for your wonderful support
    Have a Kick Ass Week End

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  16. Love your words and the first is the one for me - perfect.
    Anna :o]

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  17. well done glimpses to your life. nice


    ALOHA from Honolulu
    Comfort Spiral
    > < } } ( ° >


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  18. Ahh. Lovely, this glimpse of your barn. I prefer the first for its spareness, the same feeling of contentment and ease in both, but nothing extraneous, the scene just is, and it contents me, too.
    Thank you.

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  19. I very much enjoyed you descriptions of horses.

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  20. Both wonderful visuals. I especially liked the first one.

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  21. Thank you for a glimpse into your world. I knew you had cats and at least one dog, Otis, but am somewhat unaware of the rest of your menagerie! This is lovely. I can smell the hay, hear the horses breathing, feel the cats rubbing your legs. I can see where your contentment and peace lie! Lovely. BTW, rather like the longer version, myself.

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    1. You're welcome Ginny, though I don't have horses any longer. I'm sorry to say this is from a previous life. And thanks for your input.

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  22. I enjoy that invitation to join your "corner" of the world. I really enjoyed both poems. Many thanks.

    Greetings from London.

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  23. Wow. Based on your post, it sounds like a busy day at the barn. Thanks for sharing.

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  24. I like the second one best; it reads more poetically, to me. One quibble, since you've asked: you use the word "this" twice in a very short space near the end. Perhaps it would read better as "I could live forever in the contentment that fills this space", substituting "the" for one of the "this"s.

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  25. I was sucked right into the first poem - I was there (actually often am). I liked the shorter version!

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